Arcadia England

Ahead of Britain’s likely exit from the European Union in April (or May, or June, or possibly next year, or within the next decade), Arcadia University has put in a bid to buy the Houses of Parliament to turn it into a state-of-the-art student facility. A spokesperson for Queen Elizabeth II, who owns the building in Westminster, said “Nothing much really goes on in the Houses of Parliament any more. It’s a huge building with a lot of potential which is currently being wasted, and Her Majesty is keen to see it put to more productive use.”

The 1,100-room building was completed in 1870 and has been used ever since as a venue for old men to take naps in between shouting and waving newspapers at one another, a tradition dating back several centuries, but many now feel it has outgrown its usefulness.

“Students are far better behaved than MPs,” the spokesperson continued, “and could give the building a new lease of life. MPs don’t need to be in a grand chamber to consistently fail to agree on things and make decisions - they can do that just as well in an old Travelodge off the M40 motorway.”

The building is in many ways already ideal for students, with several libraries and endless corridors housing MPs’ offices which will now be converted into single student rooms. Ministers’ offices, which are slightly larger, will become luxury studios, available at a higher rate. There are also a number of fully operational bars, and the main chamber will be turned into a state-of-the-art basketball court. The Lords Chamber will be turned into a Cat Therapy Center where students can go to relax and relieve stress between lectures and during exam season with the aid of 40 felines.

A spokesperson for Arcadia said, “We are very excited about the project and hope our bid will be successful. The Houses of Parliament looks a lot like Hogwarts, which we hope will reduce culture shock amongst our students, as they will already be familiar with this sort of accommodation from watching the Harry Potter films.”

Nobody from the government was available for comment.  

(Happy April Fools!)

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